Woman in Woman out

And what the hell does it mean if I am capable of having children? Or perhaps I am not, I mean I have yet to have one. So many women have been beaten up and looked down upon because of their gender. Because they could not keep up with a man because they could not sweat it out as much as a man, because they were not as strong, because they were not as hard, because they were.....well not a man.

I went to see North Country this weekend as well as see an exhibit at the Toledo museum of Art called Strong woman, Beautiful man, it was shown together with an exhibit of Marilyn Monroe photographs that I don't remember the name of. I noticed all around Toledo they advertised the Marilyn exhibit much more then the other, which was an exhibit of Japanese woodblock prints. They were all of geisha and courtesans which were women trained in the arts of conversation, the arts and whatnot to be more then just a roll in the hay but a companion, other then your wife. They were like celibs in every way. They also had portraits of men in Kabuki dressed like women for the stage. And men dressed as men all frowning and mean looking.

"I Want to be Loved by You" that was the name of the Marilyn exhibit. I do feel closer to her after seeing it, she did have a flare for the camera, she was able to give to it that is. She could give it her emotion, her happiness, her solumness, and of course her sexiness. So many people shy away from the camera but we are all beautiful we just have to show it, beauty is not in the face or the shape it is in the eyes and the smile and surrounds you and effects those around you. Marilyn had it and she made a career out of it, she did not have to be a ugly bitch for it but I wonder how good of a mom she was or could have been.

And what about the geisha, they too knew their place. Used their sex and their beauty to earn their living.

What the hell does it mean that I am a woman?

I just read an article about a famous ad exec that just got fired for making a comment about women not making good CEO's because they want to have babies and that you can't just go running off to play with the kids when business needs to be done. I have to wonder if he got a raw deal. I mean ok the guy is living under a rock if he does not understand that women can now neglect their children just as much, if not more, then men have been able to do so for hundreds of years. With day care and nannies and women just giving up on having kids altogether because of a career, we have reached an all new level of so-called freedom. Freedom to work and get more toys and live WAY beyond our means and forget about our personal problems completely, the job comes first, no time for sensitivities or control issues or bipolar disorder or appendicitis. And if you do want to have kids they come second or as Mr. Ad exec says you just aint cut out for this buis sis. But he is going to tell you that even if you don't have kids or even if you are willing to put them second.

Who loses.....the kids.

And the words echo "today's peoples were someone else's children."

See they have been loosing for a long time now and that is really shitty because.... well whatever it is that we come from, beyond the soft skin of cellular tissues that make up what we do know, they are closest to and have the best shot at communicating with.

And what about me with my new no boyfriend status and my old no husband status? What about me, with my over sensitivities and my ability to cry and my heart that holds on for too long. Well, I am single and American guess I will go put my business suit on and see how far that gets me... till I decide to run to Singapore and see the rest of my life from the eyes of a stranger.

Control

I have to wonder if perhaps I should walk away from the healing circles/rainbow/Turtle Soup as a whole. Spoke with J yesterday and I just can't believe his controlling nature. He is completely incapable of looking at things from any other perspective then his own. I want the truth but I feel like he just wants control of every situation that he puts his hand on. It is not just him that makes me feel this way but there is just so much controlling behavior lying under the surface there right now and I don't know as a survior of the kind of abuse that has effected my life, if this is the most healing situation for me right now.

But the prospect that I would not be able to go to rainbow stuff because of this makes me so sick to my stomach. I have not done anything wrong and yet I feel attacked and belittled. I know that much of this has to do with my past abuses and I am willing to take responsibility for them. But I just feel like I deserve a loving nurturing environment that wants to encourage folks to fight through the problems that they have and become better people. Not manipulate vonrable situations so that you can keep control and watch others wither beneath you and never deal with your own predjustices and control issues.

All of this and R still is having so much trouble admitting to doing anything because so much has been twisted and blown out of proportion. I feel like in a sick way they are actually protecting the kind of behavior that he is exhibiting.

I just feel sick about the whole thing. Perhaps it is time to get out and look for something else.

On Love

Perhaps it is my love of spirit that I should put all of my energy into. I wonder if I am ever going to find what I am lookin for. I wonder if it is there, ever present in front of me and all around me and perhaps I am ignoring it in the search for physical fulfillment. Can spirit satisfy my hormones, can spirit fill my womb, can it inspire my heart and mind enough to be.. well....Enough. If it can not can anything?