Apathetic Daydream

Magic in a day
Gonna run you round some crazy corners
It’s not just your world
It’s mine too
One world
One people
Our world
Our people
Or mine mine mine
And I have to struggle or die
And cry my way through
To the next day
Perhaps with a little less magic
Seems like I have come across some kind of attachment
With the word Perhaps
So many options
A girls gotta have variety
Variety is the spice of life
Perhaps
Perhaps variety is the sugar of life
And Hot
I like using that one too
To mean all kinds of things
Hot =Sexy
Hot=Cool
Hot=Necessity
Hot=Yo Mamma
Perhaps Hot = Yesterday with all of the magic or today with some, or none, or hell who gives a dam anyway

True Love

And I hear by say let it be free. Let it run wild and be what it is without the confines of a box of any kind. So many and so few, what is the point when the lines are so so blurred. And who the hell am I? What say do I have amongst it all?? I have none but I am a real person and I know that from which I came and I know that what this now is not that which I thought it was.

Can you run round naked and trust your brother to be your brother. Can you soak it all up and become your dream. Can you understand what is my depth? What is my dream? That which is me? Do you feel it when my family screams in terror half-way around the world or laughs in delight right next to you. Do you? Can you? Are you? My brother. Are you?

Do you understand my word, my spelling or my punctuation? Does it mean more then ignorance to you? Am I a voice of any kind? Does it mean that I am valid to you? Does it mean that I am not?

So I say forget the names. Forget the titles. That was? never the point anyway. It was always just for those that did not know better before it became so obvious, and/or trendy. Guess What? It is still not so trendy. Guess what? Many still don’t know better. Look ahead, for God’s sake look ahead.

And some may ask “Well what about me?” Well I am still here drinking wine and watching tv. Beer you know you want it with a sexy lady on the billboard. Who is your daddy? Who will keep you company when the bar closes and your mamma is at home with the baby. You got a reason? You got a pretty good idea? How bout this; you got an attraction? Guess the lyric and you got my heart.

Life is good wild and sweet
Let the music play on
(play on, play on)
Feel it in your heart
And feel it in your soul
Let the music take control

This could be the answer………

Autumm

Mother

My Dream. I used Daisy here but it is really me dreaming.. ..... I am starting to worry that it is just a dream

Woman in Woman out

And what the hell does it mean if I am capable of having children? Or perhaps I am not, I mean I have yet to have one. So many women have been beaten up and looked down upon because of their gender. Because they could not keep up with a man because they could not sweat it out as much as a man, because they were not as strong, because they were not as hard, because they were.....well not a man.

I went to see North Country this weekend as well as see an exhibit at the Toledo museum of Art called Strong woman, Beautiful man, it was shown together with an exhibit of Marilyn Monroe photographs that I don't remember the name of. I noticed all around Toledo they advertised the Marilyn exhibit much more then the other, which was an exhibit of Japanese woodblock prints. They were all of geisha and courtesans which were women trained in the arts of conversation, the arts and whatnot to be more then just a roll in the hay but a companion, other then your wife. They were like celibs in every way. They also had portraits of men in Kabuki dressed like women for the stage. And men dressed as men all frowning and mean looking.

"I Want to be Loved by You" that was the name of the Marilyn exhibit. I do feel closer to her after seeing it, she did have a flare for the camera, she was able to give to it that is. She could give it her emotion, her happiness, her solumness, and of course her sexiness. So many people shy away from the camera but we are all beautiful we just have to show it, beauty is not in the face or the shape it is in the eyes and the smile and surrounds you and effects those around you. Marilyn had it and she made a career out of it, she did not have to be a ugly bitch for it but I wonder how good of a mom she was or could have been.

And what about the geisha, they too knew their place. Used their sex and their beauty to earn their living.

What the hell does it mean that I am a woman?

I just read an article about a famous ad exec that just got fired for making a comment about women not making good CEO's because they want to have babies and that you can't just go running off to play with the kids when business needs to be done. I have to wonder if he got a raw deal. I mean ok the guy is living under a rock if he does not understand that women can now neglect their children just as much, if not more, then men have been able to do so for hundreds of years. With day care and nannies and women just giving up on having kids altogether because of a career, we have reached an all new level of so-called freedom. Freedom to work and get more toys and live WAY beyond our means and forget about our personal problems completely, the job comes first, no time for sensitivities or control issues or bipolar disorder or appendicitis. And if you do want to have kids they come second or as Mr. Ad exec says you just aint cut out for this buis sis. But he is going to tell you that even if you don't have kids or even if you are willing to put them second.

Who loses.....the kids.

And the words echo "today's peoples were someone else's children."

See they have been loosing for a long time now and that is really shitty because.... well whatever it is that we come from, beyond the soft skin of cellular tissues that make up what we do know, they are closest to and have the best shot at communicating with.

And what about me with my new no boyfriend status and my old no husband status? What about me, with my over sensitivities and my ability to cry and my heart that holds on for too long. Well, I am single and American guess I will go put my business suit on and see how far that gets me... till I decide to run to Singapore and see the rest of my life from the eyes of a stranger.

Control

I have to wonder if perhaps I should walk away from the healing circles/rainbow/Turtle Soup as a whole. Spoke with J yesterday and I just can't believe his controlling nature. He is completely incapable of looking at things from any other perspective then his own. I want the truth but I feel like he just wants control of every situation that he puts his hand on. It is not just him that makes me feel this way but there is just so much controlling behavior lying under the surface there right now and I don't know as a survior of the kind of abuse that has effected my life, if this is the most healing situation for me right now.

But the prospect that I would not be able to go to rainbow stuff because of this makes me so sick to my stomach. I have not done anything wrong and yet I feel attacked and belittled. I know that much of this has to do with my past abuses and I am willing to take responsibility for them. But I just feel like I deserve a loving nurturing environment that wants to encourage folks to fight through the problems that they have and become better people. Not manipulate vonrable situations so that you can keep control and watch others wither beneath you and never deal with your own predjustices and control issues.

All of this and R still is having so much trouble admitting to doing anything because so much has been twisted and blown out of proportion. I feel like in a sick way they are actually protecting the kind of behavior that he is exhibiting.

I just feel sick about the whole thing. Perhaps it is time to get out and look for something else.

On Love

Perhaps it is my love of spirit that I should put all of my energy into. I wonder if I am ever going to find what I am lookin for. I wonder if it is there, ever present in front of me and all around me and perhaps I am ignoring it in the search for physical fulfillment. Can spirit satisfy my hormones, can spirit fill my womb, can it inspire my heart and mind enough to be.. well....Enough. If it can not can anything?

The Dance

How many different turns
Round and Round
Where I can see in all directions
My hands are guided
Pushed and pulled
As the circle turns in me
As I am the circle turning

Laughter curls round my tongue
Song being sung
Is one of pure bliss
I know that love surrounds me
So I twist it round me
Spin it so fast
Sudden stop sends it flying
So High

I love this life
This poem
This riddle

All the rumors
Secrets and lies
Wondering if someone heard me say that
Out of context
Not knowing who I am
Can another person really know another person

Nevermind
The point is love
How well can I get to know myself
Express myself

There is fear
Can the true story ever be known
Should I work to change those things
Or accept
Fight
Or
Not
Peace
Or
War
The world is a funny place
And lessons will be learned
Taught by the end of each road
No matter the length or direction
Perhaps repeating

My point of light
Shines so bright
Have to laugh
Laughter that turns inside out
Before your eyes
Turn upward in you skull
Travel that road
Fall to the ground
Bleed from the three points
Scream from the center
While it’s turning and turning
One with
One on
One over
One beginning
Ending to begin
Anew
I love you

Spirals of color light
Shoot from my fingertips
Swirling around the souls that surround me
And I can see
Some have a different take on me
Nonetheless I am free
And will be of that which
I feel
I know
Is me
And I of that from which I came

I can’t help it
The Dance feels so good

Force of kind
Wraps around my fingers and toes
My legs and thighs
Erasing all signs of pain
Giving me love that reflects my own
Yet is unique and pure
As each soul's

The taste fills my nostrils
As undulating currents of energy
Lick the inside of my mouth
Lift me off the ground
And spin me out
Of this spot
Fling me so high
Embraced in oblivious love
That does not stop and is impenetrable by anything but love

This is heaven
And I can come here
Solitary as I may be
I can experience the three
Perhaps being the third

Native dance
Tells a story
Teaches a lesson
Feels God
And presents it for all to see

But I will not wear the robes that man has given me
I will be true to the animal of what I am
As a physical representation
Of that which I feel
In the Dance

Horror and the good stuff

So much of this devastation around me
And still I sit here and study
Can I be so lucky forever
Being a child of the world and all
Can I ask for so much

To be detached and move about
Free will
And my best friend questions
Relationships the source and why
And all I can come up with is pain

Then the mystic man
Jumps out of the darkness
From time to time
He is sad now
And I wonder why

I put my little foot down
And scream
STOP HURTING ME
But will it ever make a difference
Will anyone ever care enough

To just for a moment stop and think
Outside of this moment
Grow and be for real

I am sad now

And I wish for adventure
That stays at home

The Lunch

The chandlers had glass drop ornaments that hung from between the light bulbs. The tabletops were wood and matched the floor in color and texture. Some French lullabies played in the background and it seemed like a likely enough place to run into the Devil besides the fact that it was a vegetarian restaurant. The booths along the side wall furthest from the door had small lights, fixed low. right next to where the diner would be sitting. There were fountains of fake ivy that flowed off of the wall. The large window that faced the front opened up onto the street and was decorated with lace curtains.

I was eating my soup, mushroom with dill, when he came in the door. You can always tell the Devil when he is near, his dominions pay close attention to you and he will not even so much as give you the time of day. Still, while others may have run or freaked out and refused to finish their meal; I decided to stay, as the food was so delightful. He ordered a spinach salad and spent a lot of time talking on his cell. The waitress brought me my dessert clearly aggravated. It was delicious raspberry chocolate layer cake smothered in chocolate sauce. They had made a nice design with the dark and light chocolate.

I gave the host my credit card and I could hear him run it through three times before he had to bring it back to me to tell me that it had been declined. I paid with another and left a three-dollar tip. I grabbed Gaia and decide to steal one more glance at him before I left. To my surprise he was looking right at me and stared directly into my eyes. The waitress stumbled by and got sick on the floor next to my shoe. I said nothing, she looked up at me, her face twisted and she ran into the back room. A horrible stench filled the room and the demons came out of the walls, a jet plane landed on the street outside and all of the world leaders came spilling out just to be devoured by a flood of water that flushed in to flush them out.

I looked back at him but he was shutting me out again and the waitress had returned fresh and clean. The street was again suitable for cars and I could see mine parked outside. I finished gathering my things and walked out to it and drove away.

But I'm ok with it

There are worse things then loneliness and it can actually be quite comforting honestly. I am ok with myself and I understand myself for the most part, there are some things that I am still trying to figure out but that makes life interesting. So what if the rest don't get it. I have a longing to really connect, to speak and be heard and to really hear where someone else is coming from. But it is not happening and I feel like I walk on egg shells to just not offend. This worries me because I am generally a very inquisitive person and it is quite stifling when even your questions are met with hostility, put downs and manipulation. Alas, I must take comfort in myself and pray for a connection.

Lonely

I have never felt more lonely. No one gets it (what I am about and what I am trying to do and say) and I am just wandering amongst those that will judge me as it fits their situation. If they need to be inspired then I will be inspiration if they need someone to step on then I am the stair. Just waiting it out on the side of the road and looking for the next ride to someplace more real.

Woman

In a whirlwind of madness good and bad and inbetween. My mind has been on so much lately. Coffee is my new drug and I can feel the effects from just a few days of abuse.

Rainbow message boards have me all worked up. I should just stop posting all together. Stop going to all of the events and drop out. But these questions that are being brought up are making me question so many interesting things. But no one is getting what I am saying and I come off as a real bitch most of the time. I have not been so motivated about what it means to be a woman and what comes with it and what does not since India. In India it was a total mind fuck because it was the first time I had thought about these things and it was a real smack in the face. Realizing that a lot of American feminism is actually taking away what it means to be a woman and replacing it with trying to be like a man. And if you are not like a man you are not a good woman, you are a backward old world piece of ....... It is totally messed up. India was the first time I saw it. I saw those women that I had been told were so repressed and oppressed but they were not they were proud and they had amazing lives and raised beautiful families.

And then there is sex and sexuality, that is what Rainboow message boards got me all worked up about. I really think that the oppression of women starts with oppressing their sexuality. It is so powerful, men buy it, beg for it, commit to it, steal it. Whereas very few women do any of those things for male sexuality. Women in India are so sexy but not like American women, it is different. Women in America think of women in India as being sexuality repressed but they are extremely sexual beings. I could never quite put my finger on it enough to describe it but it is strong and beautiful.

You do not have to view a naked women as a sex object and you do not need to view a covered woman as an oppressed subservient object. It is so complicated and it is hard for me to hash out. There will be many more posts on this matter.

So much on my mind these days

Feeling torn between where I am and where I have been and where I am going.

There seems to be a numbness spreading across the land these days and I am wishing for some sensitivity. I have been accused of being too sensitive and I have always been a prepoinit of others becoming aware of their insensitiveness. One does seem to come with the other but no one ever takes that into consideration when making accusations of sensitivity. I am just craving some feeling lately. Some feeling that has not been twisted by the pains of life till all that is left is some personal spewing of hurt. I am craving some inspiration, some glorious dreams that will bring new ideas and hope.

:-)

Chess

I found the Chess game on my computer yesterday while at the telephone job. I am generally anti-competitive and will not engage in games of any kind. However, I was bored and I decided to see if I could figure it out. I knew a little about the game and played it in all kinds of different ways so that I could get a feel for it. I played 'loser' for a while, where you try to lose all of your pieces but the king and suicide where you try to lose all of your pieces. I really bonded with the game. I felt a horrible feeling of being trapped by my own inadequacies. As I was playing I thought " I have felt this way before", when I was at a job that I was trying so hard to complete or whenever I was trying to do something that I really did not understand. Chess is a game of strategy and while I was playing I was wondering if I was perhaps lacking in strategic skills that could help me in life. Perhaps that is the feeling that was making me so uncomfortable. More so then just not knowing the rules I have a problem with looking 3 steps ahead, so I get the feeling that I am at the mercy of the rest of the world.

Well no more I say. I have my virtual Chess game right here on my laptop and it is very forgiving in that it will give me hints and let me take my moves back as many times as I wish. So, I am going to learn more about chess and keep playing, even if it is just a metaphor for thinking ahead. After all what good is thinking ahead if you can't have a metaphor for it and soon soon I too shall be a step ahead.

The Neculatiour

So I was thinking earlier today about how I want to affect the world around me. That is really what all of this is about, the writing, photography, web design, and now this blog……It is all because I am trying to get the message across. What is the message? Well that is the question. I have it somewhere inside of me and I can feel it well up like a great ball of energy in my belly sometimes and I get all excited and I just want to burst. But it is never complete, it is this searching, this wanting of knowledge. What kind of message is that?

Communication is the key, it is the matter of it all. It is the relationship between speaking and hearing. That thin line between thinking and manifestation, whether that manifestation is word (written or spoken) or visual or audio. The medium that it is projected onto is what turns me on. There is something to be said for letting it all out (as I am doing now) and not caring about the way it may be perceived, some great works of art are created in this matter. But there is another form of art that takes the viewer, the witness, the audience (and in this day and age the user) into consideration. There was once a passive time when art was viewed by only those that went out of their way to view it and nothing could be contributed by the neculatiour (the one that is not the artist). The art was in a nice frame of some kind and it stayed where it was and the neculatiour could observe and walk away, the end. But now it is different, things have changed. That frame is slowly comming off and the art is jumping right into our lives. Suddenly everying is all mixed up, and it is just a matter of opinion as to wether the neculatiour is now the artist or if the the artist is the audience or if the audience or the artist are the art itself.