Friday, December 29, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
The Same Four Songs
So I seem to be stuck on the same four songs. I just play them over and over again. Recently my mom bought me a headset with a mic because Skype is my main line these days. I discovered the joy of listening to music over the headset, as it is much more comfortable then the earbuds and having it so close to my ears brings out a richness that is beyond compare. I am just listening to the songs off of my computer, using iTunes, I could create a playlist but no, I just keep going back to the purchased list and starting it over again after the first four songs play.
The first is Lose Yourself by Eminem. I found it while researching for my iPod project and fell in love with the beat, then I decided to listen to the words. Yes I am kinda baffled that I am listening to Eminem, never thought I would see the day, and I think it is the one of the four that I am stuck on the most actually, sometimes I even stop before all four have played just to listen to this one again and again. The beat has really gotten to me and the whole thing starts off with M asking you if you had one chance to grab the one thing that you have always wanted would you grab it or “just let it slip” To which I thought ‘Oh I would blow it for sure, I would try but man I would fuck it up’ and wouldn’t you know it the character in the song (who is of course is M) does fuck it up. Of course he comes back and makes it big just to have it destroy his relationship with what is really important ect… I like the lyric referring to himself as “cold product” when the ho’s have had enough of him. Of course M is from D-town so there is that connection too. And that beat just really gets me. But fuck I mean it’s Eminem, I don’t listen to Eminem… Ah but it is a new time and as that little card that Mamma Philly gave me years ago says “Autumm knew it was time for a change”
The next is the Frey with How to Save a Life. I first heard this one on the premier of Grey’s Anatomy which I have dubed the best thing on television and if you can only watch one thing (and you should not watch much more) this would be it. It is a sad little tune with a uplifting feel that tells the story of a potential break up from a girls point of view (with a male voice too, love it) “And you begin to wonder why you came” I guess it speaks to me from the myriad of break-ups that I have been through and the hope that perhaps it is not too late for me and that that old maid game from years ago will not come true, I was so young, I did not even know what an old maid was, still even after they told me I was kinda relieved “oh is that all, I thought it was something really bad”. It has a nice piano too, soft and sweet. There is that Or at the end that gives me hope as well.
The next two are both from Gorden Lightfoot. The first is Sundown. It just has that feel, I don’t know how to describe it really. It is just so homey, so real, so to the heart. Of course the song itself is scandalous, and so much more so then the Eminem song. “In a room where you do what you don’t confess” But we all have a little naughty side that we don’t want to talk about “She don’t always say what she really means” But I can’t figure out what a prostitute is doing creepin’ round Gorden’s back still. I have tried to Google it but no luck, if anyone can figure this one out please let me know.
The second from Gordon and the fourth and final of my list is the Edmond Fitzgerald starting with that electric over acoustic sound that strikes to my center and the lyrics that speak in Michigan terms and make me feel nostalgic. “The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down to big lake they call Gitche Gumee.” I was able to find some info on this one. I thought that Gitche Gumee was like some little lake off of Superior but actually the Indians called Superior Gitche Gumee. I kinda like that as the song is incredibly sad, and it takes place in November and here we are on the edge of Samhain, but this little use of a native language and the lyrical impressions of all of the lakes at the end of the song bring me home and remind me of the land that are beyond these four walls that surround me while I use my computer to draw a autumn leaf as an assignment.
Sometimes I let it play and the Dixie Chicks remind me that they are not ready to make nice and that it is okay to be pissed off politically. But for the most part it is these four over and over while I draw my leaf and wait for Daisy to come over and for the Skype to ring and pause iTunes.
The first is Lose Yourself by Eminem. I found it while researching for my iPod project and fell in love with the beat, then I decided to listen to the words. Yes I am kinda baffled that I am listening to Eminem, never thought I would see the day, and I think it is the one of the four that I am stuck on the most actually, sometimes I even stop before all four have played just to listen to this one again and again. The beat has really gotten to me and the whole thing starts off with M asking you if you had one chance to grab the one thing that you have always wanted would you grab it or “just let it slip” To which I thought ‘Oh I would blow it for sure, I would try but man I would fuck it up’ and wouldn’t you know it the character in the song (who is of course is M) does fuck it up. Of course he comes back and makes it big just to have it destroy his relationship with what is really important ect… I like the lyric referring to himself as “cold product” when the ho’s have had enough of him. Of course M is from D-town so there is that connection too. And that beat just really gets me. But fuck I mean it’s Eminem, I don’t listen to Eminem… Ah but it is a new time and as that little card that Mamma Philly gave me years ago says “Autumm knew it was time for a change”
The next is the Frey with How to Save a Life. I first heard this one on the premier of Grey’s Anatomy which I have dubed the best thing on television and if you can only watch one thing (and you should not watch much more) this would be it. It is a sad little tune with a uplifting feel that tells the story of a potential break up from a girls point of view (with a male voice too, love it) “And you begin to wonder why you came” I guess it speaks to me from the myriad of break-ups that I have been through and the hope that perhaps it is not too late for me and that that old maid game from years ago will not come true, I was so young, I did not even know what an old maid was, still even after they told me I was kinda relieved “oh is that all, I thought it was something really bad”. It has a nice piano too, soft and sweet. There is that Or at the end that gives me hope as well.
The next two are both from Gorden Lightfoot. The first is Sundown. It just has that feel, I don’t know how to describe it really. It is just so homey, so real, so to the heart. Of course the song itself is scandalous, and so much more so then the Eminem song. “In a room where you do what you don’t confess” But we all have a little naughty side that we don’t want to talk about “She don’t always say what she really means” But I can’t figure out what a prostitute is doing creepin’ round Gorden’s back still. I have tried to Google it but no luck, if anyone can figure this one out please let me know.
The second from Gordon and the fourth and final of my list is the Edmond Fitzgerald starting with that electric over acoustic sound that strikes to my center and the lyrics that speak in Michigan terms and make me feel nostalgic. “The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down to big lake they call Gitche Gumee.” I was able to find some info on this one. I thought that Gitche Gumee was like some little lake off of Superior but actually the Indians called Superior Gitche Gumee. I kinda like that as the song is incredibly sad, and it takes place in November and here we are on the edge of Samhain, but this little use of a native language and the lyrical impressions of all of the lakes at the end of the song bring me home and remind me of the land that are beyond these four walls that surround me while I use my computer to draw a autumn leaf as an assignment.
Sometimes I let it play and the Dixie Chicks remind me that they are not ready to make nice and that it is okay to be pissed off politically. But for the most part it is these four over and over while I draw my leaf and wait for Daisy to come over and for the Skype to ring and pause iTunes.
Sunday, October 22, 2006
Purpose
Mine is a solitary existence. The lack of responsibility for another is a comfort and makes things easier. Yes I do get lonely from time to time but I find that lonely is easier to deal with then co-existance. To co-exist I seem to get in so much trouble, and start to lose little pieces. And I like myself and don't mind my own company as much as I do others.
Perhaps this seems self centered. Perhaps this is...
I keep having this moment from the retreat come to me.
Autumm: The pain in my back has subsided, I figured out that it was from the way that I was breathing. I know we are suppose to just breath normally and not do any special technique but I found that I was breathing into my chest while I was also constricting my upper torso and it was very uncomfortable. I changed it but I don't know if I should have because I know we are just suppose to breathe normally.
The Teacher: Well it sounds like the way you were breathing before was not really normal.
Autumm: Yes I guess that is true. But now I have a whole new distraction. My left leg keeps falling asleep, which I find strange because I have been here for seven days now and have not felt this sensation till now.
The Teacher: Yes once we get past one distraction another is bound to creep up.
Autumm: So yes, it is really numb by the end of the hour.
The Teacher: Why is this disturbing you.
Autumm: Well I am concerned about keeping my circulation cut off for so long.
The Teacher: (Laughing) No your not. You don't like it. You know that you are not going to do any damage sitting for an hour we talked about this in the beginning.
Autumm: (Laughing) Yes your right I just don't like it.
The Teacher: But this is just another stimulus another sensation. Just be equanimous through it, see if you can do it even just once, and lets just see what happens.
---
I was able to sit equanimonusly through it before I left and I was feeling good. Then after coming out of the retreat I let my meditation go lax and I am lucky if I can do twenty minutes. Still it is nice to know I can do it, that I was there and I know I will get back soon.
Perhaps this seems self centered. Perhaps this is...
I keep having this moment from the retreat come to me.
Autumm: The pain in my back has subsided, I figured out that it was from the way that I was breathing. I know we are suppose to just breath normally and not do any special technique but I found that I was breathing into my chest while I was also constricting my upper torso and it was very uncomfortable. I changed it but I don't know if I should have because I know we are just suppose to breathe normally.
The Teacher: Well it sounds like the way you were breathing before was not really normal.
Autumm: Yes I guess that is true. But now I have a whole new distraction. My left leg keeps falling asleep, which I find strange because I have been here for seven days now and have not felt this sensation till now.
The Teacher: Yes once we get past one distraction another is bound to creep up.
Autumm: So yes, it is really numb by the end of the hour.
The Teacher: Why is this disturbing you.
Autumm: Well I am concerned about keeping my circulation cut off for so long.
The Teacher: (Laughing) No your not. You don't like it. You know that you are not going to do any damage sitting for an hour we talked about this in the beginning.
Autumm: (Laughing) Yes your right I just don't like it.
The Teacher: But this is just another stimulus another sensation. Just be equanimous through it, see if you can do it even just once, and lets just see what happens.
---
I was able to sit equanimonusly through it before I left and I was feeling good. Then after coming out of the retreat I let my meditation go lax and I am lucky if I can do twenty minutes. Still it is nice to know I can do it, that I was there and I know I will get back soon.
Thursday, October 19, 2006
Forgotten
It seems as though I have forgotten something.
In all of this change
In all of this newness
In this reinvention of my perception
Coming out of this cocoon that I wove around myself
There is a beat
And it's got rhythm
And a voice that speaks truth
And my body moves to it
As my body will
As my body has
There is no such thing as time
Just change
Become
I am at one with you now and this is my moment
Spinning
So fast
It's becoming real
In all of this change
In all of this newness
In this reinvention of my perception
Coming out of this cocoon that I wove around myself
There is a beat
And it's got rhythm
And a voice that speaks truth
And my body moves to it
As my body will
As my body has
There is no such thing as time
Just change
Become
I am at one with you now and this is my moment
Spinning
So fast
It's becoming real
Thursday, October 12, 2006
TV and reality
So, I have been thinking a lot about television today. I have this craving to do a study comparing the state of the political world at any given time with the social atmosphere and what is shown on television.
What is getting me lately is the amount of shows that are making a killing on leaving us hanging. Lost is the first that comes to mind. While I have only caught the show a few times myself it is easy to realize that you never really know what is going on. If you are a faithful fan you are strung along week from week getting deeper and deeper into what the hell is going on. And once some small portion of the plot is revealed another mystery is created, and you are drug out for another three months trying to figure this one out. Nothing ever really resolves itself, many times you are given a little piece and you think ah ha I get it now, but no really you have just been sucked in a little deeper into believing that the writers actually know what the hell is going on. I really think that the writers and producers of such shows as Lost and this new Heros and Jeracho are actually all drunks and have real lives and at the last minute they have to choke out a few episodes so they end up like a college student the day before a big exam and try to crunch it all in.
This comparison to our current political situation is just too comical.
What is getting me lately is the amount of shows that are making a killing on leaving us hanging. Lost is the first that comes to mind. While I have only caught the show a few times myself it is easy to realize that you never really know what is going on. If you are a faithful fan you are strung along week from week getting deeper and deeper into what the hell is going on. And once some small portion of the plot is revealed another mystery is created, and you are drug out for another three months trying to figure this one out. Nothing ever really resolves itself, many times you are given a little piece and you think ah ha I get it now, but no really you have just been sucked in a little deeper into believing that the writers actually know what the hell is going on. I really think that the writers and producers of such shows as Lost and this new Heros and Jeracho are actually all drunks and have real lives and at the last minute they have to choke out a few episodes so they end up like a college student the day before a big exam and try to crunch it all in.
This comparison to our current political situation is just too comical.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Bad Day
It all happened so fast. Driving down I-75 North bound, gonna go to Tiffs and practice breathing techqunices and positions for the labor. Then go to see the flute show at OR. Stuck in one of those clusters and everyone came to a stop ahead of me, I hit the break as fast as I could but I could tell quick that it was not going to work, so I swirved.
Man this sucks so so so so so much. Already so in debt from school and now all of this expense. The ticket, the insurance, the liabialty............
Could be worse, I have a great family that loves me. I called my dad first when it happened. All I could think was how dissapointed he was going to be in me. I knew mom would baby me but I just thought dad was gonna be pissed. The car was his mom's to begin with and it was a great deal keeping it in the family and all. (sorry Grandma) but when the tow truck pulled up at the house they were both standing there with these smirky grins and when they hugged me they were just so releaved that I was okay.....
In A2 I can get around without a car pretty good by bus. A few snags in late classes can be supplemented with cab rides. So this is another blessing.
Best blessing of all is that no one was hurt.... but man it scared the hell out of me.
Monday, September 25, 2006
Thinking bout this and that
Can you hear that?
That this that that that tick tock that rooooommm zooooomm
I thought about a story tonight
About driving along and hitting a person with my car
Perhaps a child
The horror of it
I thought about it
It did not happen
I thought about how we bring into our lives what we need
What we desire
What we deserve
What we have always come to come across
I though about him today
And how he was so lovely
To now be not so lovely
I thought about my own incompetence today
I thought about how nice it is to have someone to support me
I know how to know myself and now it is all about process
But now I am tipsy on wine and meditation is far from me
Now I am thinking about comfort and incompetence and how I want a baby
Now I am sick and alive and enlightenment is still here with me.
That this that that that tick tock that rooooommm zooooomm
I thought about a story tonight
About driving along and hitting a person with my car
Perhaps a child
The horror of it
I thought about it
It did not happen
I thought about how we bring into our lives what we need
What we desire
What we deserve
What we have always come to come across
I though about him today
And how he was so lovely
To now be not so lovely
I thought about my own incompetence today
I thought about how nice it is to have someone to support me
I know how to know myself and now it is all about process
But now I am tipsy on wine and meditation is far from me
Now I am thinking about comfort and incompetence and how I want a baby
Now I am sick and alive and enlightenment is still here with me.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
Hate begets Hate
And why is it that people do the things that they do? What is human?
I mean people really do do really horrible things. People use one another and hurt one another. People kill each other and every other living thing on the planet. People maliciously hurt little children just to watch them suffer. People tie little kittens into a bag and toss them into the river. People sneak into other people’s houses and steal things that are not there own. People purposely hurt those that they love. People accidently hurt those that they don’t. People drop bombs on whole cities full of people that they have never met. People starve the poor because they don’t agree with governmental policy. People take advantage of those with good hearts. People sexually abuse women, men, children and animals. People needlessly kill. People need to kill just to stay alive. People get defensive and try to stand up for most horrible things that they do, talking about rights and you can’t take this from me. People expose their children to things that will kill them. People kill their children. People will watch others do without while they have so much.
And how do we deal with these truths? Well first off we separate and create the people of they in the caste of them. That, those people that I just mentioned, any one of them, or all of them as a whole, they are not me and they are not my family and those kind of people are not even close to human and they deserve to be locked away, they need have those horrible things done to them they need to have more horrible things done to them, they need to just be killed and taken out of our world completely. And we get defensive about how these people, the thems, are so different from us and how we are nothing like them and never could be, how they must have been born that way.
The problem with all of these ideals is that we have been doing this for years and it does not seem to be working. These people are still here and still doing those horrible things.
I mean people really do do really horrible things. People use one another and hurt one another. People kill each other and every other living thing on the planet. People maliciously hurt little children just to watch them suffer. People tie little kittens into a bag and toss them into the river. People sneak into other people’s houses and steal things that are not there own. People purposely hurt those that they love. People accidently hurt those that they don’t. People drop bombs on whole cities full of people that they have never met. People starve the poor because they don’t agree with governmental policy. People take advantage of those with good hearts. People sexually abuse women, men, children and animals. People needlessly kill. People need to kill just to stay alive. People get defensive and try to stand up for most horrible things that they do, talking about rights and you can’t take this from me. People expose their children to things that will kill them. People kill their children. People will watch others do without while they have so much.
And how do we deal with these truths? Well first off we separate and create the people of they in the caste of them. That, those people that I just mentioned, any one of them, or all of them as a whole, they are not me and they are not my family and those kind of people are not even close to human and they deserve to be locked away, they need have those horrible things done to them they need to have more horrible things done to them, they need to just be killed and taken out of our world completely. And we get defensive about how these people, the thems, are so different from us and how we are nothing like them and never could be, how they must have been born that way.
The problem with all of these ideals is that we have been doing this for years and it does not seem to be working. These people are still here and still doing those horrible things.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Random Quotes
I got tagged by Trishlet and I did not even know that she knew about this blog.
The rules are simple: look through random quotes and pick five from this list that in some way identify you. Then, explain why that identification is appropropriate.
_____________________________________________________
You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), (attributed)
No offence to Al but I think I like “Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity” better. Though I don’t know who said it. It defines me because I am pro peace.
______________________________________________________
Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.
Louise Beal
Speaking to the nature of being happy with your situation as nothing is perfect and the grass is always greener kinda mentality. At the same time it is important that one takes some responsibility in this life for this life. It defines me because I am picky about who I let into my life and yet I still believe in (and try to practice) a general love for humankind.
_____________________________________________________
No matter how nice the company one might be with, however, it is never pleasant to have a rifle pointed at one's back.
Meg Cabot, (Jenny Carroll), Sanctuary, 2002
This is so true brothers and sisters. There is nothing like the serious questioning of the continuance of ones own mortality by another to put a damper on the day. That said surviving such an incident can be quite the character builder. It defines me because the statement is somewhat absurd and very true and I just dig that kind of stuff, must be my Gemini moon.
___________________________________________________
The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.
Garth Brooks, Country Music
Wow Garth I am impressed. Simple statement and I agree.
__________________________________________________
The lesson which life repeats and constantly enforces is 'look under foot.' You are always nearer the divine and the true sources of your power than you think.
John Burroughs (1837 - 1921)
Defines me because I also believe that the divine resides in the ordinary.
____________________________________________________
I am looking for others to tag right now. I don't know others that blog really.
The rules are simple: look through random quotes and pick five from this list that in some way identify you. Then, explain why that identification is appropropriate.
_____________________________________________________
You cannot simultaneously prevent and prepare for war.
Albert Einstein (1879 - 1955), (attributed)
No offence to Al but I think I like “Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity” better. Though I don’t know who said it. It defines me because I am pro peace.
______________________________________________________
Love thy neighbour as yourself, but choose your neighbourhood.
Louise Beal
Speaking to the nature of being happy with your situation as nothing is perfect and the grass is always greener kinda mentality. At the same time it is important that one takes some responsibility in this life for this life. It defines me because I am picky about who I let into my life and yet I still believe in (and try to practice) a general love for humankind.
_____________________________________________________
No matter how nice the company one might be with, however, it is never pleasant to have a rifle pointed at one's back.
Meg Cabot, (Jenny Carroll), Sanctuary, 2002
This is so true brothers and sisters. There is nothing like the serious questioning of the continuance of ones own mortality by another to put a damper on the day. That said surviving such an incident can be quite the character builder. It defines me because the statement is somewhat absurd and very true and I just dig that kind of stuff, must be my Gemini moon.
___________________________________________________
The greatest conflicts are not between two people but between one person and himself.
Garth Brooks, Country Music
Wow Garth I am impressed. Simple statement and I agree.
__________________________________________________
The lesson which life repeats and constantly enforces is 'look under foot.' You are always nearer the divine and the true sources of your power than you think.
John Burroughs (1837 - 1921)
Defines me because I also believe that the divine resides in the ordinary.
____________________________________________________
I am looking for others to tag right now. I don't know others that blog really.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Trip to Canada Part 1
When I told most people that I was taking a two week vacation to participate in a ten day silent meditation many seemed a bit bewildered, perhaps even concerned. I think it was all those rainbow gatherings that did it to me honestly. Ya see most gatherings peak in the middle with a silent morn, broken at noon with every form of debauchery know to human kind. When I first started going it was the debauchery that turned me on, but as time progressed it was the silence that got my juices flowing.
I first heard of Vippassana in India. My travel mates were considering doing the ten day stint. But as Fruity and Cloud backed out and I had never even heard of the technique before, it fell down the creek that ran beside the Elephant Cave.
Just after my 31st birthday there was a shift in me and I was lamenting the loss of my life while contemplating my current birth with a friend and she brought the technique to my attention again.
I bookend a reservation for a sit months in advance, around the time my work contract would expire. The center was in Canada about an hour north of Toronto. I would bring my tent and travel Canada afterward. School would start in September but the course let out in the middle of July. I would get my silence and my nature.
I waited as work and school took up all of my time. As school ended work increased and I took it with pleasure as I find I actually enjoy work. When they offered me more work that would extend through my Canada trip, I took it with the reservation of the ten day retreat set aside.
The morning that I was to start off I decided to get an oil change, two new tires and a rotation before heading off. I arrived at the Valvoline Oil Instant Oil Change in Allen Park MI at about 5min after 8 am. The stalls were all empty and someone was inside, after about 5min he opened a stall and let me in. He was working alone at first but another man came in shortly.
He suggested that I get a few extra services that they offer, all of which I declined except for a fuel filter which I asked for more information about. He said that it would improve my gas mileage and that there was a special as it would only be 39.99 when it regularly would be 59.99. I asked how long it would take as I was on a schedule and he said ten min. I agreed and he continued to work and in a few minutes went below and the other man that came in later (Later I would find out his name was Joe) started working with me personally.
After about 10min he came back up and said that there were complications with the line, that it was rusted and that he would have to go get a part. He asked if I wanted to continue. Again I asked how long it would take as I was on a schedule and he said about 7min this time so again I agreed. He left and returned with the part and returned to the basement and continued to work on my car.
Joe cashed me out and I thought that this would mean that I was able to leave but he told me that it would still be a few minutes. He offered me some free air fresheners and posters for the movie Cars. When he had the fuel filter off the first man came and showed it to me but I did not see much rust. It was rather dirty and looked old and the man mentioned that some kind of sealant had been put on the connection and that was why he could not get it off.
The Manager came in during all of this and also joined in working on my car. All three of the men were going up and down the stairs working on cars in all three stalls. Then the Manager came up and said that everything was good and opened the door for me to leave. I started the car put my foot on the brake and as soon as I put the car in drive the brake fell to the floor. I tapped it a few times and it was barely stopping and I had to push myself forward in the seat to push it hard enough to stop the car.
I asked “Wo what happened to my brakes”
They had me back up and closed the door again. The manager and the first man that worked with me were working on my car from beneath for about 15min when the manager came up and said that he had bad news. He said that the brake line had been damaged and would have to be replaced. He said that they would do the work with out charge but that it would take about an hour. I explained that I was leaving for a trip and how that was really bad. He asked me what I wanted to do. I asked what I could do, I had to wait and let them finish.
Time passed, the first man left and returned and left and returned again. They kept asking me to turn the key without starting the car and turn it back and to pump the brakes. They kept asking if the brakes were getting harder, but they were not.
The first man that helped me asked me to get out of the car and he pulled the car forward and back again and again. He got out and went underneath again. Then the manager went to the big door and said “lets try this again”
I pulled up about halfway and though my car would stop it was with some effort. I told him at this point that the service was unacceptable and that I was expecting him to refund my money. He began to tell me that I would have to contact Valvoline directly and that they would send me a check when I told him that if he did not refund my money on the spot that I would call the number as well as the better business bureau and every consumer news organization that I could find in the area. I had been very patient and forgiving up to this point but the manager forgot about that and became very irate with me and kept telling me not to threaten him. I tried to explain that I was not threatening him but explaining the course of action that I would take if my money was not refunded to me promptly but he would not listen and tried to tell me how to approach the situation. At this point he said that no one was saying that he would not refund my money so I again simply asked for it and he complied.
I also asked for a record of the work that had been done on my car, as I keep very good records of all of the work done on my car. The manager asked me to pull around to the back and park, while doing this I could really tell that the brakes were still very bad. Again, I told the manager that the brakes were not right but he did not seem concerned. I was provided with two receipts one showing the work that I had paid for and that I had paid, and one showing the work that I had paid for and the fact that I had been reimbursed. When I got back to my car I realized that there was no mention for the brake work that had been done so I went back inside and asked the manager to make note of that on the invoice. He refused to do so and made Joe write out the work on the invoice and sign it. When I asked the manager to do it because he was the manager he told me that he was that assistant manager and that Joe would detail the work done on my invoice for me.
Getting back in my car I realized that the car was dangerous so I put on my hazards and drove 10mph to my mechanic where I was informed that the car had no back brakes at all, the parts used on my car were illegal and could have failed at any moment and that my car was leaking gas. I was also informed that a certified mechanic should have their certification number on the recipt and neither recipts from Valvoline had it. It was then that I realized that Valvoline did not even do brake work.
It took my mechanic about 5 hrs to finish the repair. I called the center and they were willing to receive me late if I was willing to drive through the night to get there. I started off at 7pm and did not get there till 1am. The teacher stayed up till midnight and called me from the road. Realize that he is up at 4am for morning meditation. It was a good thing too because I realized that my directions were incomplete and needed him to fill in the blanks for me.
I first heard of Vippassana in India. My travel mates were considering doing the ten day stint. But as Fruity and Cloud backed out and I had never even heard of the technique before, it fell down the creek that ran beside the Elephant Cave.
Just after my 31st birthday there was a shift in me and I was lamenting the loss of my life while contemplating my current birth with a friend and she brought the technique to my attention again.
I bookend a reservation for a sit months in advance, around the time my work contract would expire. The center was in Canada about an hour north of Toronto. I would bring my tent and travel Canada afterward. School would start in September but the course let out in the middle of July. I would get my silence and my nature.
I waited as work and school took up all of my time. As school ended work increased and I took it with pleasure as I find I actually enjoy work. When they offered me more work that would extend through my Canada trip, I took it with the reservation of the ten day retreat set aside.
The morning that I was to start off I decided to get an oil change, two new tires and a rotation before heading off. I arrived at the Valvoline Oil Instant Oil Change in Allen Park MI at about 5min after 8 am. The stalls were all empty and someone was inside, after about 5min he opened a stall and let me in. He was working alone at first but another man came in shortly.
He suggested that I get a few extra services that they offer, all of which I declined except for a fuel filter which I asked for more information about. He said that it would improve my gas mileage and that there was a special as it would only be 39.99 when it regularly would be 59.99. I asked how long it would take as I was on a schedule and he said ten min. I agreed and he continued to work and in a few minutes went below and the other man that came in later (Later I would find out his name was Joe) started working with me personally.
After about 10min he came back up and said that there were complications with the line, that it was rusted and that he would have to go get a part. He asked if I wanted to continue. Again I asked how long it would take as I was on a schedule and he said about 7min this time so again I agreed. He left and returned with the part and returned to the basement and continued to work on my car.
Joe cashed me out and I thought that this would mean that I was able to leave but he told me that it would still be a few minutes. He offered me some free air fresheners and posters for the movie Cars. When he had the fuel filter off the first man came and showed it to me but I did not see much rust. It was rather dirty and looked old and the man mentioned that some kind of sealant had been put on the connection and that was why he could not get it off.
The Manager came in during all of this and also joined in working on my car. All three of the men were going up and down the stairs working on cars in all three stalls. Then the Manager came up and said that everything was good and opened the door for me to leave. I started the car put my foot on the brake and as soon as I put the car in drive the brake fell to the floor. I tapped it a few times and it was barely stopping and I had to push myself forward in the seat to push it hard enough to stop the car.
I asked “Wo what happened to my brakes”
They had me back up and closed the door again. The manager and the first man that worked with me were working on my car from beneath for about 15min when the manager came up and said that he had bad news. He said that the brake line had been damaged and would have to be replaced. He said that they would do the work with out charge but that it would take about an hour. I explained that I was leaving for a trip and how that was really bad. He asked me what I wanted to do. I asked what I could do, I had to wait and let them finish.
Time passed, the first man left and returned and left and returned again. They kept asking me to turn the key without starting the car and turn it back and to pump the brakes. They kept asking if the brakes were getting harder, but they were not.
The first man that helped me asked me to get out of the car and he pulled the car forward and back again and again. He got out and went underneath again. Then the manager went to the big door and said “lets try this again”
I pulled up about halfway and though my car would stop it was with some effort. I told him at this point that the service was unacceptable and that I was expecting him to refund my money. He began to tell me that I would have to contact Valvoline directly and that they would send me a check when I told him that if he did not refund my money on the spot that I would call the number as well as the better business bureau and every consumer news organization that I could find in the area. I had been very patient and forgiving up to this point but the manager forgot about that and became very irate with me and kept telling me not to threaten him. I tried to explain that I was not threatening him but explaining the course of action that I would take if my money was not refunded to me promptly but he would not listen and tried to tell me how to approach the situation. At this point he said that no one was saying that he would not refund my money so I again simply asked for it and he complied.
I also asked for a record of the work that had been done on my car, as I keep very good records of all of the work done on my car. The manager asked me to pull around to the back and park, while doing this I could really tell that the brakes were still very bad. Again, I told the manager that the brakes were not right but he did not seem concerned. I was provided with two receipts one showing the work that I had paid for and that I had paid, and one showing the work that I had paid for and the fact that I had been reimbursed. When I got back to my car I realized that there was no mention for the brake work that had been done so I went back inside and asked the manager to make note of that on the invoice. He refused to do so and made Joe write out the work on the invoice and sign it. When I asked the manager to do it because he was the manager he told me that he was that assistant manager and that Joe would detail the work done on my invoice for me.
Getting back in my car I realized that the car was dangerous so I put on my hazards and drove 10mph to my mechanic where I was informed that the car had no back brakes at all, the parts used on my car were illegal and could have failed at any moment and that my car was leaking gas. I was also informed that a certified mechanic should have their certification number on the recipt and neither recipts from Valvoline had it. It was then that I realized that Valvoline did not even do brake work.
It took my mechanic about 5 hrs to finish the repair. I called the center and they were willing to receive me late if I was willing to drive through the night to get there. I started off at 7pm and did not get there till 1am. The teacher stayed up till midnight and called me from the road. Realize that he is up at 4am for morning meditation. It was a good thing too because I realized that my directions were incomplete and needed him to fill in the blanks for me.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Excitement lies behind the heart of a closed door.
Excitement lies behind the heart of a closed door.
On this cool Michigan summer night my mind is wandering again and so I feel like I have to run with it, on it, to it and S-P-E-L-L it out for those that may some day care.
Little moments come through.....little moments when it seems like I am really here and really being alive.....like as a human. Other times it is like a dream and I am just caught up in what I am a product of, caught up in my addictions of being who I am, Is that being Autumm? Is that being a woman? Is that being a being? And in those moments, the ones that seem like I am waking, I wonder how it is that I keep falling back into the day to day run round mouth sit watch consume do not act, act. Like a splash of cold water in the morning I come back to a neutral place and I get the urge to run again. And the weather has been so cool and I just love the feeling of the wind on my face and all.
Thinking about old poems and old style about making up dark fantastic stories that are part fiction and part truth. Making up blissful fantastic stories that...... Making up stories..... But then there is the real story learking behind that closed door.... and then there is my best friend, everyone's love, metaphor. And what is that real story? And how the hell should I know I am no journalist, no biographer, no historian. And this is the part where I am suppose to profess about how I am an artist, a poet, a writer but it would be a lie. The real story is that I am a real bitch looking to twist round the situation but for the mere fun of it, the real situation being what we make of it anyway, the real story is that I am a self centered money hungry lover of ego and I am always looking for another way around the situation, the real story is that I remember what I want to and care about what I want to and look at that morsel on the end of the fork before I put it in my mouth the way Mr. Burroughs asked me to when I want to and dream when I want to and take advantage when I want to and run when I want to.
But the real story is that I want to change and the real story is that I want to be that girl that I find in those moments, those moments that seem like I am waking.
On this cool Michigan summer night my mind is wandering again and so I feel like I have to run with it, on it, to it and S-P-E-L-L it out for those that may some day care.
Little moments come through.....little moments when it seems like I am really here and really being alive.....like as a human. Other times it is like a dream and I am just caught up in what I am a product of, caught up in my addictions of being who I am, Is that being Autumm? Is that being a woman? Is that being a being? And in those moments, the ones that seem like I am waking, I wonder how it is that I keep falling back into the day to day run round mouth sit watch consume do not act, act. Like a splash of cold water in the morning I come back to a neutral place and I get the urge to run again. And the weather has been so cool and I just love the feeling of the wind on my face and all.
Thinking about old poems and old style about making up dark fantastic stories that are part fiction and part truth. Making up blissful fantastic stories that...... Making up stories..... But then there is the real story learking behind that closed door.... and then there is my best friend, everyone's love, metaphor. And what is that real story? And how the hell should I know I am no journalist, no biographer, no historian. And this is the part where I am suppose to profess about how I am an artist, a poet, a writer but it would be a lie. The real story is that I am a real bitch looking to twist round the situation but for the mere fun of it, the real situation being what we make of it anyway, the real story is that I am a self centered money hungry lover of ego and I am always looking for another way around the situation, the real story is that I remember what I want to and care about what I want to and look at that morsel on the end of the fork before I put it in my mouth the way Mr. Burroughs asked me to when I want to and dream when I want to and take advantage when I want to and run when I want to.
But the real story is that I want to change and the real story is that I want to be that girl that I find in those moments, those moments that seem like I am waking.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
An Oil Refinery is An Oil Refinery is An Oil Refinery
I ended my last email from India with 3 things that I learned while traveling there. The title of this blog post was number one.
Many people have asked me what that means......
On a bus through the Indian country side the cool night is threatened by the rising sun. I awaken and out the window is a sight that I am all too familiar with, a sight that I grew up seeing.
When I was really little I was sure that the billowing white smoke out of the stacks were actually making the clouds, the black smoke of course storm clouds. Later in life I had a friend tell me that it looked like some kind of dark gothic castle, and I had a stoner friend that dreamed of it being giant water bong.
As we jumbled pass the refinery I thought about how so many of the things that I had seen the world over were the same. How people in the cities were all hussle bussle and folks in the rural areas would stop and say hello. How folks show the same sense of pride when speaking about their children, favorite sports team, or political point of view and how they all show the same disgust and horror if what they perceive as their way of life or simple comforts are threatened.
Public washrooms are scarce in India and when the bus stopped about a mile after the refinery I had to jump off and see if they had one in the area or if there was a discrete spot for me to find. This spot was very strange, it was a big truck stop of sorts, looked like they served food and chai but it was huge and just opening. The man showed me the porta johns in the back like he was doing me a favor and when I came back out my companions were sitting have chai with the man.
He spoke with a gravel booming voice and spoken in broken english telling us how much he loved Gorge Bush and Americans.
" Love America, Love Gorge Bush...YES.....You love Gorge Bush?"
I am about as hung over from the road as one can be and sick. My friends tell him that we are American but that we don't love Gorge Bush as I sit staring at my tea.
"Gorge Bush, this is my man....YES.....He does good for India......He does good for me......YES......He is my man......He is your man, no?"
The situation persists as I become more annoyed and wish that we were already in Delhi.
"Well I am sure that your travels are going well as you are traveling with Ms. Laura Bush." He smiles and throws his hand to indicate that he is speaking of me.
I peak up from over my chai with what must have been a look of disgust.
"YES.....She looks just like Ms. Laura Bush....YES....I think so.....Don't you think so......YES.......Ms. Laura Bush.....Right here with me.......YES."
I leaned over and asked my friends who the hell Laura Bush was and they informed me that it was George's wife. I asked what she looked like and Fruity informed me that she was a hippy girl with long dreadlocks. :-)
Many people have asked me what that means......
On a bus through the Indian country side the cool night is threatened by the rising sun. I awaken and out the window is a sight that I am all too familiar with, a sight that I grew up seeing.
When I was really little I was sure that the billowing white smoke out of the stacks were actually making the clouds, the black smoke of course storm clouds. Later in life I had a friend tell me that it looked like some kind of dark gothic castle, and I had a stoner friend that dreamed of it being giant water bong.
As we jumbled pass the refinery I thought about how so many of the things that I had seen the world over were the same. How people in the cities were all hussle bussle and folks in the rural areas would stop and say hello. How folks show the same sense of pride when speaking about their children, favorite sports team, or political point of view and how they all show the same disgust and horror if what they perceive as their way of life or simple comforts are threatened.
Public washrooms are scarce in India and when the bus stopped about a mile after the refinery I had to jump off and see if they had one in the area or if there was a discrete spot for me to find. This spot was very strange, it was a big truck stop of sorts, looked like they served food and chai but it was huge and just opening. The man showed me the porta johns in the back like he was doing me a favor and when I came back out my companions were sitting have chai with the man.
He spoke with a gravel booming voice and spoken in broken english telling us how much he loved Gorge Bush and Americans.
" Love America, Love Gorge Bush...YES.....You love Gorge Bush?"
I am about as hung over from the road as one can be and sick. My friends tell him that we are American but that we don't love Gorge Bush as I sit staring at my tea.
"Gorge Bush, this is my man....YES.....He does good for India......He does good for me......YES......He is my man......He is your man, no?"
The situation persists as I become more annoyed and wish that we were already in Delhi.
"Well I am sure that your travels are going well as you are traveling with Ms. Laura Bush." He smiles and throws his hand to indicate that he is speaking of me.
I peak up from over my chai with what must have been a look of disgust.
"YES.....She looks just like Ms. Laura Bush....YES....I think so.....Don't you think so......YES.......Ms. Laura Bush.....Right here with me.......YES."
I leaned over and asked my friends who the hell Laura Bush was and they informed me that it was George's wife. I asked what she looked like and Fruity informed me that she was a hippy girl with long dreadlocks. :-)
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
Fountain at DO
Went to a meeting at DO the other day. And now I get to keep my job through the summer.....yippie!!!!!!
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
The Three Phases of Autumm
Since I have discovered that I can post pics directly from my Flickr account expect more pics.
Especially with my new camera :-)
Especially with my new camera :-)
Friday, June 09, 2006
Mary Magdlene and the search for the sacred femiene
I actually went to church the other day, yes a christen church. And the whole point of the sermon was all around the Da Vinci code and Mary Magdalene. I was honestly shocked as I have taken some interest in the woman and done some superficial research in her long before the book or the movie. As superficial as my research was it was deep enough to understand that she was not a prostitute and that she was indeed an apostle being the first person to see Christ after the resurrection and did indeed tell the men that he was back and not quite the same. Thus being a sort of apostle to the apostles, though she was never given credit for it. No she was always just the whore that Jesus saved.
But here in this church, Methodist, on this Sunday this pastor is all about preaching the facts and believe it or not he actually gets it right. Right down to the apostle thing as well as the fact that she was not a whore, he even makes mention that she was not tied to a man as in she was not Mary the mother of .... or Mary the wife of... as was customary in that time. Now he did not make mention of the fact that she was pretty self sufficient for a woman of that time and that she more then likely had to of ha some cash of her own to pull that off and that there is a good chance that she was a big chunk of the bankroll behind that big tour of traveling around and performing miracles and all but none of that is scriptural this is historical and deductible of what we know of history. And he never claimed to speak outside of scripture so he did good. Actually he did very very good. Being raised as a Catholic and being told things that just pretty much insulted my intelligence for the most part, I was pretty shocked to hear these things.
They had a meeting after the mass to talk with those that would like to consider membership. I went to see the Da Vinci Code instead. I liked it despite the bad reviews from Cannes. I just love the fact that it has stirred up all of this controversy and got folks thinking about the sacred feminine again. That it is challenging preachers and pastors and priests and ministers to evaluate the scripture and to right these wrongs that have perpetuated for so long now.
Come to think of it my first school ever was St. Mary Magdalene's.
But here in this church, Methodist, on this Sunday this pastor is all about preaching the facts and believe it or not he actually gets it right. Right down to the apostle thing as well as the fact that she was not a whore, he even makes mention that she was not tied to a man as in she was not Mary the mother of .... or Mary the wife of... as was customary in that time. Now he did not make mention of the fact that she was pretty self sufficient for a woman of that time and that she more then likely had to of ha some cash of her own to pull that off and that there is a good chance that she was a big chunk of the bankroll behind that big tour of traveling around and performing miracles and all but none of that is scriptural this is historical and deductible of what we know of history. And he never claimed to speak outside of scripture so he did good. Actually he did very very good. Being raised as a Catholic and being told things that just pretty much insulted my intelligence for the most part, I was pretty shocked to hear these things.
They had a meeting after the mass to talk with those that would like to consider membership. I went to see the Da Vinci Code instead. I liked it despite the bad reviews from Cannes. I just love the fact that it has stirred up all of this controversy and got folks thinking about the sacred feminine again. That it is challenging preachers and pastors and priests and ministers to evaluate the scripture and to right these wrongs that have perpetuated for so long now.
Come to think of it my first school ever was St. Mary Magdalene's.
Sunday, May 14, 2006
Another Late Night
Seems the whole worlds' gone crazy. Everyone wanting to kill one another. Spying on one another. Stealing from one another. I am trying to stay in a positive light and I am trying to fall asleep. But my mind races. Global Warming and Bird Flu and Mad Cow and HIV and and and and... the late night wanders on through my mind. And what about me? Money and relationships and living situations and crazy and and and ... the late night wanders on. Tomorrow is mothers day and I have to bless all the mothers and our mother earth. Perhaps someday I too will be a mother, perhaps someday I will get some sleep.
I have a plan to self publish my book and use any profits that come from it to pay for the rest of my education. It is really horrible what they do to you once you start to attend university. Well what the hell? I mean what is left after you have drawn out community college as far as one can, traveled the world as much as one can afford to without a purpose and stopped using drugs and booze. I wish that I would not be thousands of dollars in debt when I get out but it seems to be the only way. I am tossing around the idea of joining the peace corps after graduation to be able to travel again with a purpose and with loan deferment. I have mixed feelings about it because I think of the Peace Corps as a hippie branch of the military in a way. I have to do some more investigation.
I have a plan to self publish my book and use any profits that come from it to pay for the rest of my education. It is really horrible what they do to you once you start to attend university. Well what the hell? I mean what is left after you have drawn out community college as far as one can, traveled the world as much as one can afford to without a purpose and stopped using drugs and booze. I wish that I would not be thousands of dollars in debt when I get out but it seems to be the only way. I am tossing around the idea of joining the peace corps after graduation to be able to travel again with a purpose and with loan deferment. I have mixed feelings about it because I think of the Peace Corps as a hippie branch of the military in a way. I have to do some more investigation.
Monday, May 01, 2006
Way too late
It is way too late to start a new blog post. And I have reposted enough. I think that some may be mad at me for deleting but perhaps it is just the eb and flow of the universe. I have to work late tomorrow and I am shy and getting shyer. I am working on it. I need sleep. I can't wait for Canada, I can't wait to get on with my life. I use to look forward to one gathering once a year now I look forward to the rest of my life and that feels good. I don't know if I will be able to achieve many things that I want, I don't know if the time is left, but there are many things that I still can do. I have some longing and hunger and that is good.
Monday, April 17, 2006
The Truth, Chapter 28 Thurs, 15 July 2004
Republished from "Poetry in Motion or For the clear of the Moment" My other site at http://www.geocities.com/autumm393/
Doing a little research I found out that the exact time of my saturn return actually took place from July 3 - 10th 2004
-------------
So, the truth is that I am pissed off. The truth is that I am a really nice girl with a big heart and I get taken advantage of a lot. I am sick of people pinning their impressions of me on me, without asking me if I own them. I am sick of people lashing out on me because they are trapped in their own ego trip about who I am and what my intentions are.
Segue to metaphor
You know the type, can't take a compliment. Nice shoes, means your hair sucks.
Two children are playing in the dirt. Child A says "Boy we sure are dirty"
"Dirty! Mommy says dirty is bad. I can't be dirty" says child B
"Well of course you are dirty. We are playing in the dirt. Look at yourself you have dirt all over."
"NO! DIRTY IS BAD" screams child B as it beats child A with a nearby hammer.
Two days outside of the Rainbow gathering I found myself in tears in front of the rent a car place at DTW. Public displays of sadness are always interesting as people pretend not to see you and you pretend not to see them. The shadow from the overhang of the roof stopped dead right in front of my toes as I sat on this green wire bench. A moment of stillness came over the spot as the shuttle drove away empty and the customers drove away in their rent a cars. The moment of stillness transferred from the surroundings, into the spot right atop my head and down to my heart, my tears dried for a moment.
I don't know why I looked. Part of me wants to make up some outrageous story about how I could feel it calling me or that it was glowing so brightly from under the bench that not looking was out of the question. Honestly, it came quite naturally and I did not think anything of looking while I was doing it. Afterward, there I sat with the hammer in my hands wondering what to do with it. I almost went back to work on the job that child B had started years ago, but no that would be stupid not to mention unjust. Holding it somehow made me feel better, as I imagined it’s potential. I could see the many things that the hammer could build, if given the right materials. So, I plan to find some building blocks and use it to build my hopes and dreams. I could see what the hammer could destroy, so I immediately put it to work on my fears and insecurities.
I think that I can honestly say that I give more than get, and that is fine, I like to serve. I know service. One should give selflessly and without expectation of compensation, that is what all of the religious folks say and for once I agree wholeheartedly. Actually, it is the only kind of service that I really find fulfilling. The mean girl in Costa Rica said "this could be a really thankless job" saying that appreciation is a form of compensation. So, one can not expect to be appreciated in ones service. Appreciation is nice, I enjoy it any way, and I understand that some folks that have devoted their lives to service may be able to reach states where they can give and give without so much as a thank you. I have come to a realization brothers and sisters, I am a really bad devotee. Perhaps, it is not the lack of the thank you as much as it is the slap in the face. See, I don't have to slap back but I can walk away. There is a quality to giving. I mean you could give a junkie heroin all day long. For one that loves to give the question really is what is worthy.
So, I am not going to stop giving, either energy or material. I am going to stop giving the man that I love to another woman, at least without first making my emotions clear. I am going to stop giving to those that I do not believe in or do not agree with. AND (sorry mean girl) I am going to stop giving to those that do not appreciate me.
As far as what I am going to do, well I am back in Detroit, for those of you that don't know the airport codes. I am going to practice being nice to myself and doing what is ultimately best for me. I applied to a bunch of schools before I left for Costa Rica and now I have returned to piles of admittance letters and financial aid awards. I also have a pile of emails that I have written from all over the world, they need some work but I think that they may be the perfect thing to start off the chapters with in the book.
I was going to include a wild card in this email. I was going to find it with the hammer under the bench. You know 'joke'em if they can't take a fuck' and we all know the reputation of the jokers being wild. The thing about the wild card is that it could go either way, and so I left it there under the bench. I really don't need any more trouble. Yes, I think that may be the key.
So the truth is that I do feel like I have found something that I have been looking for. The truth be told I feel a little more harsh but much more in control and more responsible for my emotions and well being. The truth is that I still do feel sad and jaded and bitter. But truthfully I think that I am gaining a handle on it, figuring out how I get my heart into these situations and learning how to avoid them. The truth is the answer.
Lovin you
Sister Autumm
Doing a little research I found out that the exact time of my saturn return actually took place from July 3 - 10th 2004
-------------
So, the truth is that I am pissed off. The truth is that I am a really nice girl with a big heart and I get taken advantage of a lot. I am sick of people pinning their impressions of me on me, without asking me if I own them. I am sick of people lashing out on me because they are trapped in their own ego trip about who I am and what my intentions are.
Segue to metaphor
You know the type, can't take a compliment. Nice shoes, means your hair sucks.
Two children are playing in the dirt. Child A says "Boy we sure are dirty"
"Dirty! Mommy says dirty is bad. I can't be dirty" says child B
"Well of course you are dirty. We are playing in the dirt. Look at yourself you have dirt all over."
"NO! DIRTY IS BAD" screams child B as it beats child A with a nearby hammer.
Two days outside of the Rainbow gathering I found myself in tears in front of the rent a car place at DTW. Public displays of sadness are always interesting as people pretend not to see you and you pretend not to see them. The shadow from the overhang of the roof stopped dead right in front of my toes as I sat on this green wire bench. A moment of stillness came over the spot as the shuttle drove away empty and the customers drove away in their rent a cars. The moment of stillness transferred from the surroundings, into the spot right atop my head and down to my heart, my tears dried for a moment.
I don't know why I looked. Part of me wants to make up some outrageous story about how I could feel it calling me or that it was glowing so brightly from under the bench that not looking was out of the question. Honestly, it came quite naturally and I did not think anything of looking while I was doing it. Afterward, there I sat with the hammer in my hands wondering what to do with it. I almost went back to work on the job that child B had started years ago, but no that would be stupid not to mention unjust. Holding it somehow made me feel better, as I imagined it’s potential. I could see the many things that the hammer could build, if given the right materials. So, I plan to find some building blocks and use it to build my hopes and dreams. I could see what the hammer could destroy, so I immediately put it to work on my fears and insecurities.
I think that I can honestly say that I give more than get, and that is fine, I like to serve. I know service. One should give selflessly and without expectation of compensation, that is what all of the religious folks say and for once I agree wholeheartedly. Actually, it is the only kind of service that I really find fulfilling. The mean girl in Costa Rica said "this could be a really thankless job" saying that appreciation is a form of compensation. So, one can not expect to be appreciated in ones service. Appreciation is nice, I enjoy it any way, and I understand that some folks that have devoted their lives to service may be able to reach states where they can give and give without so much as a thank you. I have come to a realization brothers and sisters, I am a really bad devotee. Perhaps, it is not the lack of the thank you as much as it is the slap in the face. See, I don't have to slap back but I can walk away. There is a quality to giving. I mean you could give a junkie heroin all day long. For one that loves to give the question really is what is worthy.
So, I am not going to stop giving, either energy or material. I am going to stop giving the man that I love to another woman, at least without first making my emotions clear. I am going to stop giving to those that I do not believe in or do not agree with. AND (sorry mean girl) I am going to stop giving to those that do not appreciate me.
As far as what I am going to do, well I am back in Detroit, for those of you that don't know the airport codes. I am going to practice being nice to myself and doing what is ultimately best for me. I applied to a bunch of schools before I left for Costa Rica and now I have returned to piles of admittance letters and financial aid awards. I also have a pile of emails that I have written from all over the world, they need some work but I think that they may be the perfect thing to start off the chapters with in the book.
I was going to include a wild card in this email. I was going to find it with the hammer under the bench. You know 'joke'em if they can't take a fuck' and we all know the reputation of the jokers being wild. The thing about the wild card is that it could go either way, and so I left it there under the bench. I really don't need any more trouble. Yes, I think that may be the key.
So the truth is that I do feel like I have found something that I have been looking for. The truth be told I feel a little more harsh but much more in control and more responsible for my emotions and well being. The truth is that I still do feel sad and jaded and bitter. But truthfully I think that I am gaining a handle on it, figuring out how I get my heart into these situations and learning how to avoid them. The truth is the answer.
Lovin you
Sister Autumm
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
New Post
I sometimes feel like such a failure as a blogger. I hardly ever get comments and even very few page views. I only write a few new posts a month. I feel like I should do more and perhaps more would come of it.
I would like to start posting more pics as spring time is upon us and things are to be beautiful. I want to start walking more and I will need to remember my camera.
Spiritual awakenings abound. I think I am on the right path and that something is happening, something deep within my soul is stirring and stretching, yawning and rubbing its eyes. Moments of bliss and euphoria sneak pass my disgruntled outlook and I find myself floating above a huge mass of water staring into the stars at a speed nearing that of light, on my back in the middle of the night.
I would like to start posting more pics as spring time is upon us and things are to be beautiful. I want to start walking more and I will need to remember my camera.
Spiritual awakenings abound. I think I am on the right path and that something is happening, something deep within my soul is stirring and stretching, yawning and rubbing its eyes. Moments of bliss and euphoria sneak pass my disgruntled outlook and I find myself floating above a huge mass of water staring into the stars at a speed nearing that of light, on my back in the middle of the night.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Dark
Late in the night in the darkness of my mind comes the specter. Tall, thin, cold and genderless, with bone hands of steel it came for me. Slowly it led me deeper into the mist and all the while the chorus sang. At the darkest point the river of Madness was flowing by my side and the specter called for the ship and motioned for me to board. The rhythm popped up a notch and the voices sang out several names of God and Goddess.
Once aboard the ship, the specter took me to a room filled with people. They were all in turmoil and cried out in pain though none of them were harmed and all were beautiful. The air was thick in the room and I could feel the waves hitting the side of the ship. The smell was a strong spicy scent and it was intoxicating. A man standing in the corner came running up to me and caught me by my collar. Staring into my eyes and shaking he says “Why should I define color, what good could possibility come of it?” To which I calmly replied “ Be what you are brother. I will love you as you are but please don’t expect any more then that which you hold in your heart” He turned and staggered back to the corner and continued to shiver. The chorus crying out all the while and again the rhythm went faster and voices responded in time and with many more names of the same.
The specter motioned for me to sit on the floor in a mass of these wandering soles, as the water had become unruly and the ship was bucking and swaying. Everyone was crowded around and smooched together. It was very warm and I became sick to my stomach and so I put my head between my legs. An old woman came to me and somehow enveloped me. Her arms and legs were wrapped around me and her head was squeezed right next to mine. She was rocking back and forth humming in time with the music as the rhythm became frantic. My head was spinning and my stomach was churning and together we rocked and my heart beat fast and hard, so much so that I could hear it in my ears. It all culminated in one strong beat in which she stopped dead and whispered in my ear “All the sickness you feel can not be destroyed with love or anger or hate or acceptance. It can only be dealt with by the ingestion of that which is sacred. Go dine on the Goddess, suck clean the meat from her fingers to her toes and slurp up her blood and suck down her mucus and know that she is within you.”
I looked up and she was gone. Everyone was gone except for the specter and myself, it sat beside me and looked at the ground. The boat had stopped and we both sat there in the empty room. The specter stood and motioned for me to follow, and I did. We stepped off of the boat onto an unfamiliar shoreline. It was dusk, the hills were rolling over one another, the sky was crimson. I turned and the specter was facing me, it was holding a necklace with a small charm dangling from the end, it was a small bottle that contained some of the darkest water and there was a tiny ship fighting the waves. The specter spoke and as it spoke it put the necklace around my neck, “You had to come here and there was no other way. All who ride on the River of Madness take a piece of it with them. This, is so that piece will be on your terms and not you on it’s.” It turned and boarded the boat, which floated back into the darkness on the murky waters.
I walked for a long time over those hills as it became dark. In the distance I could see a glow and when I approached there was a large number of people gathered around a large fire. I approached and said noting to any of them but pushed my way through to be close to the fire. Crouching down and feeling its warmth someone started beating a drum. The same beat as that on the journey and just as I remember the voices chimed in chanting the many names of God/Goddess. In the dancing frenzy that followed I realized that this was my family and that it was this song that had kept me alive on my journey and that I was home now.
Once aboard the ship, the specter took me to a room filled with people. They were all in turmoil and cried out in pain though none of them were harmed and all were beautiful. The air was thick in the room and I could feel the waves hitting the side of the ship. The smell was a strong spicy scent and it was intoxicating. A man standing in the corner came running up to me and caught me by my collar. Staring into my eyes and shaking he says “Why should I define color, what good could possibility come of it?” To which I calmly replied “ Be what you are brother. I will love you as you are but please don’t expect any more then that which you hold in your heart” He turned and staggered back to the corner and continued to shiver. The chorus crying out all the while and again the rhythm went faster and voices responded in time and with many more names of the same.
The specter motioned for me to sit on the floor in a mass of these wandering soles, as the water had become unruly and the ship was bucking and swaying. Everyone was crowded around and smooched together. It was very warm and I became sick to my stomach and so I put my head between my legs. An old woman came to me and somehow enveloped me. Her arms and legs were wrapped around me and her head was squeezed right next to mine. She was rocking back and forth humming in time with the music as the rhythm became frantic. My head was spinning and my stomach was churning and together we rocked and my heart beat fast and hard, so much so that I could hear it in my ears. It all culminated in one strong beat in which she stopped dead and whispered in my ear “All the sickness you feel can not be destroyed with love or anger or hate or acceptance. It can only be dealt with by the ingestion of that which is sacred. Go dine on the Goddess, suck clean the meat from her fingers to her toes and slurp up her blood and suck down her mucus and know that she is within you.”
I looked up and she was gone. Everyone was gone except for the specter and myself, it sat beside me and looked at the ground. The boat had stopped and we both sat there in the empty room. The specter stood and motioned for me to follow, and I did. We stepped off of the boat onto an unfamiliar shoreline. It was dusk, the hills were rolling over one another, the sky was crimson. I turned and the specter was facing me, it was holding a necklace with a small charm dangling from the end, it was a small bottle that contained some of the darkest water and there was a tiny ship fighting the waves. The specter spoke and as it spoke it put the necklace around my neck, “You had to come here and there was no other way. All who ride on the River of Madness take a piece of it with them. This, is so that piece will be on your terms and not you on it’s.” It turned and boarded the boat, which floated back into the darkness on the murky waters.
I walked for a long time over those hills as it became dark. In the distance I could see a glow and when I approached there was a large number of people gathered around a large fire. I approached and said noting to any of them but pushed my way through to be close to the fire. Crouching down and feeling its warmth someone started beating a drum. The same beat as that on the journey and just as I remember the voices chimed in chanting the many names of God/Goddess. In the dancing frenzy that followed I realized that this was my family and that it was this song that had kept me alive on my journey and that I was home now.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Eastwind
I just returned from Eastwind community in southern Missouri. Daisy and I went down together for 5 days that turned into 3 after we spent two of them driving.
The community reminds me very much of a rainbow gathering and while walking down their narrow dirt paths I could not help but think of how nice it is to walk down a narrow dirt path to see your neighbor.
I am still dealing with my split from my former life and trying to adjust to whatever it is that I am now. I am kinda upset with myself for letting something define me so much. Eastwind was a nice way to catch the rainbow vibe but not actually be at a gathering. It was kinda like saying goodbye. :-)I of course went down to visit with Amber and Zoe and it was nice to spend so much time with Daisy as well. I am having trouble feeling welcome amongust many of my old friends these days and these girls were probally the only ones that could have made me feel somewhat at home these days. Of course the feeling of unwelcomeness has nothing to do with anyone but myself, I am the one that changed, I am the one that is different. I am ok with that and I feel bad that so many of my friends have in a way lost me, but I believe that it is what I must do to survive.
I really don't mean to blame or to judge, though I have no problem with doing either, but I just think that some situations are better for me then others. We all judge, I really think that those that get so bent out of shape about judgement are feeling guilty about some part of their lifestyle deep down and just don't want others to reconize it. I mean after all no one gets upset when someone makes a judgement about what nice, kind, giving, or attractive qualities another person has, it is just when someone starts to point out bad stuff that the judgement card gets pulled out. No one is perfect, any judgements that I truely believe are for my own good and I wish the best for anyone that my gavel falls upon. I do not judge to change anyone but myself.
And for every door that closes...... So, I myself can but look forward and realize that I am who I am and feeling emotions as deeply as I currently am there is not much more that I can do, but what I am doing. Those that are true friends to me will treat me with respect and speak to me with respect and respect my choices. Those that do not can go on their own way and I feel so good about this. It is a defining of myself and a refining of myself. I am free of the demons that cling to me for energy and fun. I am serious and I am dead on, I am real and I am not fooling around.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
My Horoscope on Yahoo!
autumm's Daily Capricorn Forecast
Quickie: Have you lost some of your idealism? People are essentially good -- remember that.
Overview: How strong is your connection to your inner truth? It's time to ask yourself what really matters in your life, and push everything else to the side. Live intensely and beautifully. Don't waste any time.
Quickie: Have you lost some of your idealism? People are essentially good -- remember that.
Overview: How strong is your connection to your inner truth? It's time to ask yourself what really matters in your life, and push everything else to the side. Live intensely and beautifully. Don't waste any time.
Friday, February 10, 2006
Time
Time
Tick Tock Tick Tock
It has become my ring in the trilogy as I am pressed so hard for more and more of it and as I cry as it slips through my fingers. So, time is short as always and I have to put a limit on this but I need it like an addict to the fix. Not sure what brought it on honestly, it could have something to do with the wine or the terry cloth robe or perhaps the late night. Perhaps it has something to do with the loss of my religion as the old song goes, well I guess it is not that long ago. But I remember hearing Mr. Stipe talk about the song when I was a kid and explaining the meaning. I did not understand then what it would mean to lose everything that you believed in, for the bottom to fall out of the heart and soul of what you hold dear. But here it is and here I am and I can not deny that I am feeling what I am.
I guess I was in search of utopia. I thought that I would be happy if I could make someone else happy but he had other things that made him happy. And so I figured I could be happy if everyone else was happy but alas everyone is never happy and revels in my misery.
I thought that if I traveled the world I would be happy but I am no jet set and money runs thin and time runs out and hearts grow tired and weary. I am now stuck in this 56 hour work week thats so thin and sickening. I long for the days to throw it all away.
So, I will just come out and say it but it is a quote and not of my own mouth or pen but truth none the less. Rainbow is stupid and drugs are stupid and on the other side I can see why the hard core folks have to be so. I need a nice clean lifestyle to run up into and heal. So, sick of the dealers and the abusers and the dirty old men and the dirty young men and this idea that because I am, must mean that I am here for you to sell, to feel up, to exploit, to ignore, to devalue.
So, I am walking away in my last few minutes and it tears my heart out but that is why I am here. And I will return to wander the earth that I am sure of but no more of this family talk, for all the world is my family and I will not give that up.
Tick Tock Tick Tock
It has become my ring in the trilogy as I am pressed so hard for more and more of it and as I cry as it slips through my fingers. So, time is short as always and I have to put a limit on this but I need it like an addict to the fix. Not sure what brought it on honestly, it could have something to do with the wine or the terry cloth robe or perhaps the late night. Perhaps it has something to do with the loss of my religion as the old song goes, well I guess it is not that long ago. But I remember hearing Mr. Stipe talk about the song when I was a kid and explaining the meaning. I did not understand then what it would mean to lose everything that you believed in, for the bottom to fall out of the heart and soul of what you hold dear. But here it is and here I am and I can not deny that I am feeling what I am.
I guess I was in search of utopia. I thought that I would be happy if I could make someone else happy but he had other things that made him happy. And so I figured I could be happy if everyone else was happy but alas everyone is never happy and revels in my misery.
I thought that if I traveled the world I would be happy but I am no jet set and money runs thin and time runs out and hearts grow tired and weary. I am now stuck in this 56 hour work week thats so thin and sickening. I long for the days to throw it all away.
So, I will just come out and say it but it is a quote and not of my own mouth or pen but truth none the less. Rainbow is stupid and drugs are stupid and on the other side I can see why the hard core folks have to be so. I need a nice clean lifestyle to run up into and heal. So, sick of the dealers and the abusers and the dirty old men and the dirty young men and this idea that because I am, must mean that I am here for you to sell, to feel up, to exploit, to ignore, to devalue.
So, I am walking away in my last few minutes and it tears my heart out but that is why I am here. And I will return to wander the earth that I am sure of but no more of this family talk, for all the world is my family and I will not give that up.
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