The Truth, Chapter 28 Thurs, 15 July 2004

Republished from "Poetry in Motion or For the clear of the Moment" My other site at http://www.geocities.com/autumm393/

Doing a little research I found out that the exact time of my saturn return actually took place from July 3 - 10th 2004


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So, the truth is that I am pissed off. The truth is that I am a really nice girl with a big heart and I get taken advantage of a lot. I am sick of people pinning their impressions of me on me, without asking me if I own them. I am sick of people lashing out on me because they are trapped in their own ego trip about who I am and what my intentions are.

Segue to metaphor

You know the type, can't take a compliment. Nice shoes, means your hair sucks.

Two children are playing in the dirt. Child A says "Boy we sure are dirty"

"Dirty! Mommy says dirty is bad. I can't be dirty" says child B

"Well of course you are dirty. We are playing in the dirt. Look at yourself you have dirt all over."

"NO! DIRTY IS BAD" screams child B as it beats child A with a nearby hammer.

Two days outside of the Rainbow gathering I found myself in tears in front of the rent a car place at DTW. Public displays of sadness are always interesting as people pretend not to see you and you pretend not to see them. The shadow from the overhang of the roof stopped dead right in front of my toes as I sat on this green wire bench. A moment of stillness came over the spot as the shuttle drove away empty and the customers drove away in their rent a cars. The moment of stillness transferred from the surroundings, into the spot right atop my head and down to my heart, my tears dried for a moment.

I don't know why I looked. Part of me wants to make up some outrageous story about how I could feel it calling me or that it was glowing so brightly from under the bench that not looking was out of the question. Honestly, it came quite naturally and I did not think anything of looking while I was doing it. Afterward, there I sat with the hammer in my hands wondering what to do with it. I almost went back to work on the job that child B had started years ago, but no that would be stupid not to mention unjust. Holding it somehow made me feel better, as I imagined it’s potential. I could see the many things that the hammer could build, if given the right materials. So, I plan to find some building blocks and use it to build my hopes and dreams. I could see what the hammer could destroy, so I immediately put it to work on my fears and insecurities.

I think that I can honestly say that I give more than get, and that is fine, I like to serve. I know service. One should give selflessly and without expectation of compensation, that is what all of the religious folks say and for once I agree wholeheartedly. Actually, it is the only kind of service that I really find fulfilling. The mean girl in Costa Rica said "this could be a really thankless job" saying that appreciation is a form of compensation. So, one can not expect to be appreciated in ones service. Appreciation is nice, I enjoy it any way, and I understand that some folks that have devoted their lives to service may be able to reach states where they can give and give without so much as a thank you. I have come to a realization brothers and sisters, I am a really bad devotee. Perhaps, it is not the lack of the thank you as much as it is the slap in the face. See, I don't have to slap back but I can walk away. There is a quality to giving. I mean you could give a junkie heroin all day long. For one that loves to give the question really is what is worthy.

So, I am not going to stop giving, either energy or material. I am going to stop giving the man that I love to another woman, at least without first making my emotions clear. I am going to stop giving to those that I do not believe in or do not agree with. AND (sorry mean girl) I am going to stop giving to those that do not appreciate me.

As far as what I am going to do, well I am back in Detroit, for those of you that don't know the airport codes. I am going to practice being nice to myself and doing what is ultimately best for me. I applied to a bunch of schools before I left for Costa Rica and now I have returned to piles of admittance letters and financial aid awards. I also have a pile of emails that I have written from all over the world, they need some work but I think that they may be the perfect thing to start off the chapters with in the book.

I was going to include a wild card in this email. I was going to find it with the hammer under the bench. You know 'joke'em if they can't take a fuck' and we all know the reputation of the jokers being wild. The thing about the wild card is that it could go either way, and so I left it there under the bench. I really don't need any more trouble. Yes, I think that may be the key.

So the truth is that I do feel like I have found something that I have been looking for. The truth be told I feel a little more harsh but much more in control and more responsible for my emotions and well being. The truth is that I still do feel sad and jaded and bitter. But truthfully I think that I am gaining a handle on it, figuring out how I get my heart into these situations and learning how to avoid them. The truth is the answer.

Lovin you
Sister Autumm