Dark

Late in the night in the darkness of my mind comes the specter. Tall, thin, cold and genderless, with bone hands of steel it came for me. Slowly it led me deeper into the mist and all the while the chorus sang. At the darkest point the river of Madness was flowing by my side and the specter called for the ship and motioned for me to board. The rhythm popped up a notch and the voices sang out several names of God and Goddess.

Once aboard the ship, the specter took me to a room filled with people. They were all in turmoil and cried out in pain though none of them were harmed and all were beautiful. The air was thick in the room and I could feel the waves hitting the side of the ship. The smell was a strong spicy scent and it was intoxicating. A man standing in the corner came running up to me and caught me by my collar. Staring into my eyes and shaking he says “Why should I define color, what good could possibility come of it?” To which I calmly replied “ Be what you are brother. I will love you as you are but please don’t expect any more then that which you hold in your heart” He turned and staggered back to the corner and continued to shiver. The chorus crying out all the while and again the rhythm went faster and voices responded in time and with many more names of the same.

The specter motioned for me to sit on the floor in a mass of these wandering soles, as the water had become unruly and the ship was bucking and swaying. Everyone was crowded around and smooched together. It was very warm and I became sick to my stomach and so I put my head between my legs. An old woman came to me and somehow enveloped me. Her arms and legs were wrapped around me and her head was squeezed right next to mine. She was rocking back and forth humming in time with the music as the rhythm became frantic. My head was spinning and my stomach was churning and together we rocked and my heart beat fast and hard, so much so that I could hear it in my ears. It all culminated in one strong beat in which she stopped dead and whispered in my ear “All the sickness you feel can not be destroyed with love or anger or hate or acceptance. It can only be dealt with by the ingestion of that which is sacred. Go dine on the Goddess, suck clean the meat from her fingers to her toes and slurp up her blood and suck down her mucus and know that she is within you.”

I looked up and she was gone. Everyone was gone except for the specter and myself, it sat beside me and looked at the ground. The boat had stopped and we both sat there in the empty room. The specter stood and motioned for me to follow, and I did. We stepped off of the boat onto an unfamiliar shoreline. It was dusk, the hills were rolling over one another, the sky was crimson. I turned and the specter was facing me, it was holding a necklace with a small charm dangling from the end, it was a small bottle that contained some of the darkest water and there was a tiny ship fighting the waves. The specter spoke and as it spoke it put the necklace around my neck, “You had to come here and there was no other way. All who ride on the River of Madness take a piece of it with them. This, is so that piece will be on your terms and not you on it’s.” It turned and boarded the boat, which floated back into the darkness on the murky waters.

I walked for a long time over those hills as it became dark. In the distance I could see a glow and when I approached there was a large number of people gathered around a large fire. I approached and said noting to any of them but pushed my way through to be close to the fire. Crouching down and feeling its warmth someone started beating a drum. The same beat as that on the journey and just as I remember the voices chimed in chanting the many names of God/Goddess. In the dancing frenzy that followed I realized that this was my family and that it was this song that had kept me alive on my journey and that I was home now.

Eastwind

I just returned from Eastwind community in southern Missouri. Daisy and I went down together for 5 days that turned into 3 after we spent two of them driving.

The community reminds me very much of a rainbow gathering and while walking down their narrow dirt paths I could not help but think of how nice it is to walk down a narrow dirt path to see your neighbor. I am still dealing with my split from my former life and trying to adjust to whatever it is that I am now. I am kinda upset with myself for letting something define me so much. Eastwind was a nice way to catch the rainbow vibe but not actually be at a gathering. It was kinda like saying goodbye. :-)

I of course went down to visit with Amber and Zoe and it was nice to spend so much time with Daisy as well. I am having trouble feeling welcome amongust many of my old friends these days and these girls were probally the only ones that could have made me feel somewhat at home these days. Of course the feeling of unwelcomeness has nothing to do with anyone but myself, I am the one that changed, I am the one that is different. I am ok with that and I feel bad that so many of my friends have in a way lost me, but I believe that it is what I must do to survive.

I really don't mean to blame or to judge, though I have no problem with doing either, but I just think that some situations are better for me then others. We all judge, I really think that those that get so bent out of shape about judgement are feeling guilty about some part of their lifestyle deep down and just don't want others to reconize it. I mean after all no one gets upset when someone makes a judgement about what nice, kind, giving, or attractive qualities another person has, it is just when someone starts to point out bad stuff that the judgement card gets pulled out. No one is perfect, any judgements that I truely believe are for my own good and I wish the best for anyone that my gavel falls upon. I do not judge to change anyone but myself.

And for every door that closes...... So, I myself can but look forward and realize that I am who I am and feeling emotions as deeply as I currently am there is not much more that I can do, but what I am doing. Those that are true friends to me will treat me with respect and speak to me with respect and respect my choices. Those that do not can go on their own way and I feel so good about this. It is a defining of myself and a refining of myself. I am free of the demons that cling to me for energy and fun. I am serious and I am dead on, I am real and I am not fooling around.