Eastwind

I just returned from Eastwind community in southern Missouri. Daisy and I went down together for 5 days that turned into 3 after we spent two of them driving.

The community reminds me very much of a rainbow gathering and while walking down their narrow dirt paths I could not help but think of how nice it is to walk down a narrow dirt path to see your neighbor. I am still dealing with my split from my former life and trying to adjust to whatever it is that I am now. I am kinda upset with myself for letting something define me so much. Eastwind was a nice way to catch the rainbow vibe but not actually be at a gathering. It was kinda like saying goodbye. :-)

I of course went down to visit with Amber and Zoe and it was nice to spend so much time with Daisy as well. I am having trouble feeling welcome amongust many of my old friends these days and these girls were probally the only ones that could have made me feel somewhat at home these days. Of course the feeling of unwelcomeness has nothing to do with anyone but myself, I am the one that changed, I am the one that is different. I am ok with that and I feel bad that so many of my friends have in a way lost me, but I believe that it is what I must do to survive.

I really don't mean to blame or to judge, though I have no problem with doing either, but I just think that some situations are better for me then others. We all judge, I really think that those that get so bent out of shape about judgement are feeling guilty about some part of their lifestyle deep down and just don't want others to reconize it. I mean after all no one gets upset when someone makes a judgement about what nice, kind, giving, or attractive qualities another person has, it is just when someone starts to point out bad stuff that the judgement card gets pulled out. No one is perfect, any judgements that I truely believe are for my own good and I wish the best for anyone that my gavel falls upon. I do not judge to change anyone but myself.

And for every door that closes...... So, I myself can but look forward and realize that I am who I am and feeling emotions as deeply as I currently am there is not much more that I can do, but what I am doing. Those that are true friends to me will treat me with respect and speak to me with respect and respect my choices. Those that do not can go on their own way and I feel so good about this. It is a defining of myself and a refining of myself. I am free of the demons that cling to me for energy and fun. I am serious and I am dead on, I am real and I am not fooling around.