The Same Four Songs

So I seem to be stuck on the same four songs. I just play them over and over again. Recently my mom bought me a headset with a mic because Skype is my main line these days. I discovered the joy of listening to music over the headset, as it is much more comfortable then the earbuds and having it so close to my ears brings out a richness that is beyond compare. I am just listening to the songs off of my computer, using iTunes, I could create a playlist but no, I just keep going back to the purchased list and starting it over again after the first four songs play.

The first is Lose Yourself by Eminem. I found it while researching for my iPod project and fell in love with the beat, then I decided to listen to the words. Yes I am kinda baffled that I am listening to Eminem, never thought I would see the day, and I think it is the one of the four that I am stuck on the most actually, sometimes I even stop before all four have played just to listen to this one again and again. The beat has really gotten to me and the whole thing starts off with M asking you if you had one chance to grab the one thing that you have always wanted would you grab it or “just let it slip” To which I thought ‘Oh I would blow it for sure, I would try but man I would fuck it up’ and wouldn’t you know it the character in the song (who is of course is M) does fuck it up. Of course he comes back and makes it big just to have it destroy his relationship with what is really important ect… I like the lyric referring to himself as “cold product” when the ho’s have had enough of him. Of course M is from D-town so there is that connection too. And that beat just really gets me. But fuck I mean it’s Eminem, I don’t listen to Eminem… Ah but it is a new time and as that little card that Mamma Philly gave me years ago says “Autumm knew it was time for a change”

The next is the Frey with How to Save a Life. I first heard this one on the premier of Grey’s Anatomy which I have dubed the best thing on television and if you can only watch one thing (and you should not watch much more) this would be it. It is a sad little tune with a uplifting feel that tells the story of a potential break up from a girls point of view (with a male voice too, love it) “And you begin to wonder why you came” I guess it speaks to me from the myriad of break-ups that I have been through and the hope that perhaps it is not too late for me and that that old maid game from years ago will not come true, I was so young, I did not even know what an old maid was, still even after they told me I was kinda relieved “oh is that all, I thought it was something really bad”. It has a nice piano too, soft and sweet. There is that Or at the end that gives me hope as well.

The next two are both from Gorden Lightfoot. The first is Sundown. It just has that feel, I don’t know how to describe it really. It is just so homey, so real, so to the heart. Of course the song itself is scandalous, and so much more so then the Eminem song. “In a room where you do what you don’t confess” But we all have a little naughty side that we don’t want to talk about “She don’t always say what she really means” But I can’t figure out what a prostitute is doing creepin’ round Gorden’s back still. I have tried to Google it but no luck, if anyone can figure this one out please let me know.

The second from Gordon and the fourth and final of my list is the Edmond Fitzgerald starting with that electric over acoustic sound that strikes to my center and the lyrics that speak in Michigan terms and make me feel nostalgic. “The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down to big lake they call Gitche Gumee.” I was able to find some info on this one. I thought that Gitche Gumee was like some little lake off of Superior but actually the Indians called Superior Gitche Gumee. I kinda like that as the song is incredibly sad, and it takes place in November and here we are on the edge of Samhain, but this little use of a native language and the lyrical impressions of all of the lakes at the end of the song bring me home and remind me of the land that are beyond these four walls that surround me while I use my computer to draw a autumn leaf as an assignment.

Sometimes I let it play and the Dixie Chicks remind me that they are not ready to make nice and that it is okay to be pissed off politically. But for the most part it is these four over and over while I draw my leaf and wait for Daisy to come over and for the Skype to ring and pause iTunes.

Purpose

Mine is a solitary existence. The lack of responsibility for another is a comfort and makes things easier. Yes I do get lonely from time to time but I find that lonely is easier to deal with then co-existance. To co-exist I seem to get in so much trouble, and start to lose little pieces. And I like myself and don't mind my own company as much as I do others.

Perhaps this seems self centered. Perhaps this is...

I keep having this moment from the retreat come to me.

Autumm: The pain in my back has subsided, I figured out that it was from the way that I was breathing. I know we are suppose to just breath normally and not do any special technique but I found that I was breathing into my chest while I was also constricting my upper torso and it was very uncomfortable. I changed it but I don't know if I should have because I know we are just suppose to breathe normally.

The Teacher: Well it sounds like the way you were breathing before was not really normal.

Autumm: Yes I guess that is true. But now I have a whole new distraction. My left leg keeps falling asleep, which I find strange because I have been here for seven days now and have not felt this sensation till now.

The Teacher: Yes once we get past one distraction another is bound to creep up.

Autumm: So yes, it is really numb by the end of the hour.

The Teacher: Why is this disturbing you.

Autumm: Well I am concerned about keeping my circulation cut off for so long.

The Teacher: (Laughing) No your not. You don't like it. You know that you are not going to do any damage sitting for an hour we talked about this in the beginning.

Autumm: (Laughing) Yes your right I just don't like it.

The Teacher: But this is just another stimulus another sensation. Just be equanimous through it, see if you can do it even just once, and lets just see what happens.

---

I was able to sit equanimonusly through it before I left and I was feeling good. Then after coming out of the retreat I let my meditation go lax and I am lucky if I can do twenty minutes. Still it is nice to know I can do it, that I was there and I know I will get back soon.

Forgotten

It seems as though I have forgotten something.

In all of this change

In all of this newness

In this reinvention of my perception

Coming out of this cocoon that I wove around myself

There is a beat

And it's got rhythm

And a voice that speaks truth

And my body moves to it

As my body will

As my body has

There is no such thing as time

Just change

Become

I am at one with you now and this is my moment

Spinning

So fast

It's becoming real

TV and reality

So, I have been thinking a lot about television today. I have this craving to do a study comparing the state of the political world at any given time with the social atmosphere and what is shown on television.

What is getting me lately is the amount of shows that are making a killing on leaving us hanging. Lost is the first that comes to mind. While I have only caught the show a few times myself it is easy to realize that you never really know what is going on. If you are a faithful fan you are strung along week from week getting deeper and deeper into what the hell is going on. And once some small portion of the plot is revealed another mystery is created, and you are drug out for another three months trying to figure this one out. Nothing ever really resolves itself, many times you are given a little piece and you think ah ha I get it now, but no really you have just been sucked in a little deeper into believing that the writers actually know what the hell is going on. I really think that the writers and producers of such shows as Lost and this new Heros and Jeracho are actually all drunks and have real lives and at the last minute they have to choke out a few episodes so they end up like a college student the day before a big exam and try to crunch it all in.

This comparison to our current political situation is just too comical.